I don’t know about you, but this year has been one hell of a ride. All those Memes about how this year has been a mess, well I’m right there with them. It’s been a beautiful mess of unpredictable memories, ambitious decisions, overwhelming time management, and huge self-realizations. But at the end of the day, I honestly think it’s been one of the greatest years of growth I’ve had since moving to Toronto.
I’ve said it before, and I’m going to say it again, I went through a breakup earlier this year. I admit, the first month was very hard. You constantly question your decision, re-live moments in your mind, and wonder if what you did was right or how it went wrong. But after all of this, you’ll begin to see the light. My perspective is extremely subjective, and I’m not suggesting that you should do or will feel as I did – as this is my personal experience for this one event. What I’m trying to say is, I needed this.
I needed this change and slap in the face to really get pushed outside my comfort zone. This realization can come in many different shapes and sizes to each individual, but you need to be able to recognize and accept this change if you’re ever going to move on.
2016 has been a constant ripple effect of emotions, one after the other, with brief moments of stillness but never quite stopping. I think this breakup sparked a new perspective and opportunity in my life. It forced me to be the most independent and alone I have ever been. It made me take risks and become selfish in regards to really taking the time to focus on myself and recognize my needs or wants.
I don’t want you to assume that a relationship blocks you from this, but it did for me. I chose to be consumed and dependent in a relationship, and I regret that decision. Not the relationship itself, but who I become while in it.
As the year progressed, the breakup tears dried and the real emotional rollercoaster started. I haven’t been so vulnerable yet unattached to anything in a long time, so this year has been a huge adjustment to say the least. As some of my closest friends began to fade from my life, new ones entered. So for this, I am extremely grateful for their love and support. To those that decided to exit, well that’s just life.
My current state of mind is a blank canvas. Where each day, week, or month gets painted with whatever is thrown at it. There is no set plan or timeline, as I’ve found that just fucks with your ability to fully absorb the world around you. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely have a list of goals and aspirations, but I’m not restricting myself to this vision or certain timeline. Instead, I’ve decided to focus on the things that make me happy and inspired – and not on those that cause extra anxiety.
As we approach the last couple days of the year, I thought I would write this post as a reflection on how things went. But as I’ve attempted to write it all down, I realized that no words can accurately sum it up. I simply don’t know where to begin or how to fathom the craziness of 2016. I’ve never seen “New Years” as a mark of something dramatic, but instead as a continuation and reflection of your current state.
If there is one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that life is a giant curveball. Nothing is as predictable or set out as you want it to be – and that’s okay. I’m still trying to put less pressure on this. As in, I’m still learning to let go of this ideal ‘perfect’ world and embrace the one I’m making for myself.
Cheers to 2017 – the time to unapologetically be yourself.